How to Deal With Grief

Dealing with grief means letting the pain come in waves while you keep a few basic things going: sleep, food, short walks and one or two people you talk to [1]. Give grief some time each day, and take breaks from it [2]. Most people find the sharpest pain eases over months [3].

A week of small things

Three small things a day: one for your body, one with people or a chore, and 10 to 15 minutes for grief. Skip any box. One box a day is enough.

  1. Day 1

    • Walk outside for 10 minutes
    • Sit with someone for coffee
    • Let yourself cry if it comes

  2. Day 2

    • Eat one real meal at the table
    • Ask a neighbor to walk with you
    • Light a candle and sit for a few minutes

  3. Day 3

    • Shower and put on clean clothes
    • Call a relative who knew them
    • Read old messages from them

  4. Day 4

    • Drink a glass of water with each meal
    • Let someone bring food, and say yes
    • Visit a place that was yours

  5. Day 5

    • Get up at your usual time
    • Text one friend: "Can you call me tonight?"
    • Look at photos of them

  6. Day 6

    • Stretch for 5 minutes by a window
    • Pay one bill with someone beside you
    • Write them a short letter

  7. Day 7

    • Go to bed 30 minutes earlier
    • Look up one local grief group
    • Play a song they loved

Saved only in this browser. Nothing is sent. Blank printable plan to fill in by hand.

Quietarium editorial team Updated Sources: 13

How to deal with grief: what helps most

Take care of your body, let people in, give grief some time each day and take breaks from it. Small, doable targets make all of that easier.

Grief can be hard on your health. The National Institute on Aging suggests regular exercise, healthy food and enough sleep, and warns that drinking too much or smoking puts your health at risk [1].

Let family and friends know when you want to talk about the person who died, and accept offers of help and company when you can [1]. One or two people are enough.

Stroebe and Schut's dual process model describes healthy grieving as moving between facing the loss and getting on with daily life, with rest from both [2]. The stages of grief page shows what a day like that looks like.

The NHS advises against trying to do everything at once: set small targets you can easily achieve [4]. The week plan above is built that way, and you can print a blank one.

The first days after a death

The phone rings again while the tea goes cold on the counter. In the first days, your only job is to get through them. Most other things can wait.

  • Numb, or nothing seems real? Shock is usually the first reaction [4]. Don't push yourself to feel more.
  • If the calls and forms pile up, name one person to answer the phone and one to help with paperwork. NIA notes that taking care of details and keeping busy helps some people at first [1].
  • Not eating: aim for small things often, like toast, soup or a banana, and drink water.
  • If you cannot sleep, lie down anyway and rest. Ask someone to stay over for a night or two.
  • When someone asks what you need, name one specific thing, such as groceries or a school pickup.

NIA suggests going through clothes and belongings when you feel ready, a little at a time [1]. Bigger moves, like selling the house or changing jobs, can usually wait too.

The first weeks: waves, routine and time for grief

The National Institute on Aging suggests making mealtime plans, because many grieving people lose interest in cooking and eating, and eating alone can feel too quiet [1]. The same idea works for the weeks after the funeral: plan the next ordinary thing.

  1. Fix a wake-up time. Get up at about the same time each day, even after a bad night, and get some daylight in the morning.
  2. Plan one meal a day with someone. Lunch with a friend, dinner with a neighbor, or a video call while you both eat.
  3. Choose 10 to 15 minutes for grief. Look at photos, write to them, play their song. When the time is up, do something ordinary.
  4. Move a little. A walk around the block counts. The NHS notes that regular exercise can lift your mood and help you sleep [4].
  5. Expect waves. The VA's National Center for PTSD notes that grief tends to come in waves, sometimes when least expected, with breaks in between [5].

Start with one step this week.

The first months: work, dates and quiet friends

Nobody can say when it will feel lighter. A few rough patches in these months are predictable, though, and you can plan for them.

Visits and calls usually thin out after the funeral. Asking directly is fine: "Could you check in with me every week for a while?" If friends freeze because they don't know what to say, send them our guide for people who want to help, or sympathy messages if they want to write a card.

Back at work, tell your manager what you can handle for now, and check again in a few weeks. Concentration problems are common in grief, so lists help [1].

Birthdays, the anniversary and holidays can bring the pain back hard. HelpGuide suggests planning ahead for these "triggers" so you are not alone on those days [6]. Mark the anniversary of the death and the first holidays, and plan who you will be with.

When people ask "How are you?", the VA suggests an honest reply like "I'm not fine, but I appreciate you asking" [5].

Why small plans help: what the research says

A planned week of small activities is a light version of behavioral activation, a therapy that has been tested for severe grief. All three trials below were therapist-led or therapist-guided treatments for grief that was severe or stuck. Our planner borrows only the idea of scheduling small activities.

StudyWho and whatWhat it foundWhat it did not show
Papa and colleagues, 2013 [7]Bereaved adults with lasting grief problems; 12 to 14 sessions of behavioral activation over 12 weeks, compared with waitingLarge drops in prolonged grief, PTSD and depression symptoms; 70% of those who finished responded to treatmentAn open trial built to test feasibility, with no blinded comparison to another therapy
Eisma and colleagues, 2015 [8]47 adults with complicated grief and rumination; 6 online homework tasks over 6 to 8 weeksBehavioral activation lowered grief and rumination compared with a waiting list (effect size d = 0.8 to 0.9)That it is easy to stick with: 59% dropped out, and the authors concluded their results did not support online activation on its own
Acierno and colleagues, 2021 [9]155 U.S. veterans; 7 sessions of activation plus exposure, compared with cognitive therapy for griefBoth groups improved and kept the gains at 6 monthsThat one approach beats the other: there was no difference

There is also a reason to plan time for the loss itself. In a study of 282 bereaved adults, going over the loss again and again was linked to worse grief and depression later, and avoidance seemed to be part of that link [10]. Setting aside time for grief and time for daily life fits the dual process model [2].

None of these trials tested a printable planner, and we have not tested ours. Most bereaved people adjust without professional help [11].

Coping that tends to backfire

"Is it bad to stay busy?" No, as long as busy isn't the whole plan. Watch for these patterns:

  • Drinking more to sleep or get through evenings? Cut back now. The NHS warns that alcohol, cigarettes, gambling or drugs used to relieve grief can harm your mental health [4].
  • Avoiding every reminder, like their room or photos, can keep grief stuck. Try one small reminder a day during your grief time.
  • The opposite, a day that is all grief, gets easier with one ordinary task you can finish.
  • Replaying "I should have done something"? The VA suggests a kinder version you can say back: "I did the best I could under the circumstances, with what I knew at the time" [5].
  • About to make a big change, such as moving? Give it more time unless you have to act now.
  • Hiding how you feel to protect others? Crying is not weakness, and you don't have to put on a brave front [6].

Grief after losing a parent or a partner

A parent

Losing a parent can hurt at any age, even when it was expected. Old family roles shift: who hosts the holidays, who the siblings turn to. Expect some friction with siblings over belongings and decisions, and go slowly.

If you were a caregiver, the empty hours can feel strange, and relief can mix with sadness. Some people find it helps to write down what they want to keep from their parent, like a recipe or a habit. Our page on losing a parent covers the first year and has a letter you can write to them.

If you are wondering whether you are grieving "in the right order," our page on the stages of grief covers what research found.

A partner

Many couples split the household jobs: one pays the bills, the other cooks. After a death, one person has to do it all, and NIA notes that learning these new tasks takes time [1]. Make a list of bills for the next few months, and ask a friend or relative to sit with you while you go through them.

Evenings and weekends can feel the longest. Plan one regular contact for those hours, like a Saturday walk with a friend.

Frequently asked questions

How long does grief last?

There is no set length, and grief can return at anniversaries for years. What usually changes is the intensity: for most people the sharpest pain eases over months and stops running daily life [3]. If it has not eased at all after many months, see the advice on getting help below.

Which month of grief is the hardest?

It differs a lot from person to person. In one study of 233 bereaved adults, the painful feelings were highest on average within the first 6 months [12]. Many people also find the first anniversary and the first holidays very hard, even after a calmer stretch.

Is it normal to feel nothing at the funeral?

Yes. The VA's National Center for PTSD notes that a shocking death can leave you numb and may delay grieving, and that you shouldn't judge yourself for not feeling what others expect [5].

Can grief make you physically sick?

It can affect your body. Poor sleep and low appetite are common [1], and a 2007 review in The Lancet found that bereaved people have more physical health problems and a higher risk of death, especially in the early weeks and months after the loss [11]. Keep your regular checkups, and tell your doctor about the loss.

Do grief support groups help?

Many people find it easier to talk with others who have lived through a similar loss, and the NHS suggests peer support [4]. Hospitals, hospices and community centers often run free groups, in person or online.

When to see a professional

Grief counseling is worth trying at any point if you want it. Most grief does not need treatment [3], but it matters more if:

  • after many months, the grief feels as raw as in the first weeks and your life keeps shrinking: work, friends, meals. In the U.S., a diagnosis of prolonged grief disorder in adults needs at least a year since the death [3]; the WHO's ICD-11 uses at least 6 months [13];
  • even one box of the plan above feels impossible, day after day, for weeks;
  • you drink or use drugs to sleep or to get through the day.

The American Psychiatric Association notes that treatments using elements of cognitive behavioral therapy have reduced prolonged grief symptoms [3]. If low mood, not only missing the person, fills most days, the PHQ-9 test can help you describe it to a doctor.

If you feel very bad right now

Emergency, US and Canada 911

If you are thinking about suicide or are afraid you might hurt yourself, call or text now. You do not have to wait until it gets worse.

  • Emergency, US and Canada 911
  • Crisis line, US and Canada (free, 24/7) 988, call or text

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Author
Quietarium editorial team
Updated

This page does not replace advice from a doctor. Medical disclaimer · Editorial policy

Sources: 13
  1. National Institute on Aging (NIH). Coping With Grief and Loss. Government health guide. nia.nih.gov (accessed October 19, 2026).
  2. Stroebe M, Schut H. The dual process model of coping with bereavement: rationale and description. Death Stud. 1999;23(3):197-224. doi:10.1080/074811899201046. Theory paper. PubMed 10848151.
  3. American Psychiatric Association. Prolonged Grief Disorder (medical review by H. Prigerson, August 2025). Patient guide based on DSM-5-TR (2022). psychiatry.org (accessed October 19, 2026).
  4. NHS (UK). Grief after bereavement or loss. Health service guidance. nhs.uk (accessed October 19, 2026).
  5. U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, National Center for PTSD. Grief: Taking Care of Yourself After a Loss. Government guide. ptsd.va.gov (accessed October 19, 2026).
  6. Smith M, Robinson L, Segal J. Coping with Grief and Loss. HelpGuide, updated June 22, 2026. Nonprofit health guide. helpguide.org (accessed October 19, 2026).
  7. Papa A, Sewell MT, Garrison-Diehn C, Rummel C. A randomized open trial assessing the feasibility of behavioral activation for pathological grief responding. Behav Ther. 2013;44(4):639-650. doi:10.1016/j.beth.2013.04.009. Randomized trial. PubMed 24094789.
  8. Eisma MC, Boelen PA, van den Bout J, et al. Internet-based exposure and behavioral activation for complicated grief and rumination: a randomized controlled trial. Behav Ther. 2015;46(6):729-748. doi:10.1016/j.beth.2015.05.007. Randomized controlled trial, 47 adults. PubMed 26520217.
  9. Acierno R, Kauffman B, Muzzy W, Tejada MH, Lejuez C. Behavioral activation and therapeutic exposure vs. cognitive therapy for grief among combat veterans: a randomized clinical trial of bereavement interventions. Am J Hosp Palliat Care. 2021;38(12):1470-1478. doi:10.1177/1049909121989021. Randomized controlled trial, 155 veterans. PubMed 33504175.
  10. Eisma MC, Stroebe MS, Schut HA, et al. Avoidance processes mediate the relationship between rumination and symptoms of complicated grief and depression following loss. J Abnorm Psychol. 2013;122(4):961-970. doi:10.1037/a0034051. Cohort study, 282 adults. PubMed 24364599.
  11. Stroebe M, Schut H, Stroebe W. Health outcomes of bereavement. Lancet. 2007;370(9603):1960-1973. doi:10.1016/S0140-6736(07)61816-9. Review. PubMed 18068517.
  12. Maciejewski PK, Zhang B, Block SD, Prigerson HG. An empirical examination of the stage theory of grief. JAMA. 2007;297(7):716-723. doi:10.1001/jama.297.7.716. Cohort study, 233 adults. PubMed 17312291.
  13. Killikelly C, Maercker A. Prolonged grief disorder for ICD-11: the primacy of clinical utility and international applicability. Eur J Psychotraumatol. 2017;8(Suppl 6):1476441. doi:10.1080/20008198.2018.1476441. Review of the ICD-11 criteria. PubMed 29887976.