What to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving

What to say to someone who is grieving

Say that you are sorry, say you care, and keep it short. Five habits cover most messages.

1. Say you are sorry, and name the person. "I'm so sorry about your dad." A plain statement of the death beats a vague "sorry for what you're going through."
2. Admit you do not have perfect words. "I don't have the right words, but I care about you." NPR's guide lists this as something to say ^[1], and Speaking Grief suggests nearly the same line ^[2].
3. Ask about the person, if you can listen. "Do you want to tell me about her?" is one of the questions Speaking Grief recommends ^[2]. Ask only when you have time for the answer.
4. Take the pressure off replying. "No need to respond." In the first days, every message can feel like one more task. NPR's guide suggests this line ^[1].
5. Do not compare. Skip "I know how you feel," even if you lost someone too. Try "I can't know exactly how it feels, but I care."

The picker has 21 finished drafts. Change a word or two and add one true detail.

What to say when someone lost a loved one: by situation

The same kind words need small changes for a parent, a child, a sudden death, a partner, a coworker or a pet.

Parent

Your friend's mother died on Tuesday, and you have ten minutes before a meeting. Write what you would say at the door: "I'm so sorry about your mom. I'm thinking of you today." Add one detail only you know, like how she greeted you at the kitchen door. Do not sum up her life for them.

Child

No sentence fits the death of a child, and you can say exactly that: "I have no words. I'm so sorry." Use the child's name if the parents do. Never suggest that they can have another baby. Offer something quiet and physical, like soup left on the porch, and tell them not to answer the door.

Sudden or unexpected death

A sudden death leaves no time to prepare or say goodbye, and the American Psychiatric Association names sudden or unnatural death as a factor that raises the risk of prolonged grief ^[3]. Keep the message simpler still: "I'm in shock, and I'm so sorry." Do not ask what happened. Offer to take over calls or messages for a day.

Spouse or partner

When a partner dies, the person who shared the kitchen, the bills and the bed is gone, and ordinary days change overnight. Big statements matter less than offers with a date on them: help with paperwork on Saturday, a check-in every Sunday.

Coworker

Keep it brief and take work off their plate: "Please don't worry about work. Take the time you need." Do not ask for details.

Pet

A message about a pet is not too much. For many people a pet is family, and the loss is real. Say the pet's name and say that it hurts. Skip "it was just a dog" and "you can get another one."

What to say to someone who is losing a parent

If the parent is still alive but dying, talk about the person, not the prognosis: "I'm thinking of you and your dad this week. Can I bring dinner on Thursday so you can stay at the hospital?" Skip "at least they had a long life" and questions about how long is left. If the parent has just died, the parent line above fits: say you are sorry, use "your mom" or "your dad," and add one memory if you have one. Our page on losing a parent describes what the first weeks and the first year can look like, if you want to know what your friend may be facing. If they are grieving before the death, our page on anticipatory grief is written for them.

What not to say to someone who is grieving (and why)

Skip anything that explains, fixes or silently says "so don't be sad." Almost every line on this list is said out of love, which is why it stings when it lands wrong.

Speaking Grief gives a quick test. Add "so don't feel so bad" to the end of what you were about to say. If it fits, don't say it ^[2].

One more to skip is "How did they die?" Cruse suggests "I'm here if you want to talk about it" ^[5]. They will tell you when they are ready.

If you have already said one of these, apologize once and move on: "I'm sorry, that came out wrong. I'm here." You do not need to explain.

What to do instead of finding the right words

Offer one specific thing, with a day and a time, and let them say no. Picture yourself on a porch with a pot of soup and nothing clever to say. Hand it over, say "I'm thinking of you," and go home.

Offer = action + day or time + an easy way to say no. "I'm at the store tonight. Can I pick up milk and bread for you? Say no if you have it covered."

Cruse's version of the swap: instead of "Let me know if I can do anything," try "I'll pick the kids up on Tuesday and give them tea if you like" ^[5]. HelpGuide's is "I'm going to the market this afternoon. What can I bring you?" ^[4].

• If you do not know what to offer, pick the chore you would hate most in their place: a meal, groceries, school pickup, walking the dog, answering the phone. Food that reheats and needs no dishes back is a safe start.
• If they do not answer, leave the food at the door and text "It's on your porch. No need to reply."
• If you live far away, offer to text family, friends and coworkers for them. Crisis Text Line notes that messages sent on the person's behalf reduce the pressure to answer every call ^[7].
• If you want to sit with them, say "I'm happy to talk, or to sit quietly," and then do whichever they pick. Speaking Grief puts it this way: you cannot fix this or take the pain away, but you can be with them in it ^[2].

Then put the day in your calendar.

What research says about helpful and unhelpful support

In one study of bereaved people, giving advice and pushing recovery were named as unhelpful most often ^[8]. Lehman and colleagues asked 94 people who had lost a spouse (40) or a child (54) in a car crash 4 to 7 years earlier. The helpful things were contact with someone who had been through a similar loss and the chance to express feelings.

The same study asked 100 people without such a loss what they would say. Their answers were thoughtful, so the authors found it unlikely that people give bad support simply because they do not know what to say ^[8].

A 2021 qualitative study of traumatic grief points the same way. Its authors concluded that emotional support is the most desired type, and that people were not satisfied with the support they got from professionals, family and community ^[9].

Both studies have limits. The first is from 1986 and covers one type of loss, deaths in car crashes. The second is qualitative, so it describes experiences and does not measure how common they are. Neither tests a particular sentence. They tell us what to avoid more than what to say.

If the death was a suicide

Say you are sorry, do not ask how it happened, and do not judge the death. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention gives these guidelines for talking to someone bereaved by suicide ^[6]:

• Say "died by suicide," not "committed suicide."
• Do not ask intrusive questions about how the person died.
• Do not call the death selfish, a sin or a weakness, and do not suggest anyone is to blame.
• Skip "I understand what you're going through." Try "I don't know what to say, but I care about you and I want to be here for you."
• Do not disappear after the funeral. The weeks and months that follow may be the hardest.

Weeks and months later: anniversaries and "still grieving"

Reach out again after the funeral: the weeks and months afterwards are often the loneliest. NPR's source Mekel Harris says that as time goes on, the social support dwindles ^[1], and AFSP warns that this stretch may be the toughest ^[6].

Put two dates in your calendar now: the anniversary of the death and the first big holiday. On those days, send something like "I'm thinking of you and Sam today. If you'd like company, I'm free this evening. If you'd like quiet, that's fine too."

On ordinary days, a note out of nowhere works just as well. Mention a memory, say their name, add "no need to reply." Instead of "How are you?" Cruse suggests "How are you today?" or "How have you been this week?" ^[5], which are easier to answer honestly.

What to say to a grieving coworker or employee

Say you are sorry, tell them not to worry about work, and ask what they want others to know. A friend might get a casserole. A coworker needs someone to cover the work.

Cruse's guidance for employers says the same: make sure the person does not have to worry about work, and ask how much they want you to share with colleagues ^[10].

• If you manage them, say "Take the time you need. Would you like me to tell the team, or would you rather I didn't?" Then do exactly what they answer.
• If you are a peer, send two lines: sorry, thinking of you. Offer to cover one named task, like Thursday's report.
• If they are back at their desk, do not make a scene. A quiet "Good to see you. Glad to talk, or not" works. Do not ask about details of the death.
• If it has been weeks, do not assume they are over it. Check in privately and keep the workload flexible.

Leave policies differ by employer and country, so ask HR what bereavement leave exists before you promise anything.

If you are the one grieving

You do not have to answer every message, and there is no timetable for grief. A short reply is plenty: "Thank you. I read your note, and I can't talk yet." People who care will understand.

The American Psychiatric Association says that lack of social support is a risk factor for prolonged grief ^[3], so letting one or two people in is not a weakness. You can send them this page. For your own first weeks, there is a plan of small daily steps on how to deal with grief, and the stages of grief page explains why feelings come in no fixed order. If it was your mother or father, losing a parent covers the first year.

On a heavy evening, a short exercise can give your mind something else to do. The 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise takes about two minutes and works with the room you are sitting in.

Frequently asked questions