Losing a Parent

What losing a parent feels like

By age 49, 44% of Americans have lost at least one parent ^[1]. It can still feel enormous. The Cruse charity says the feelings can differ from one moment to the next and can contradict each other ^[3]. Some you may recognize:

• Lost, or like a child again? This happens even when you are an adult with your own life and duties ^[3].
• Relief? After months or years of caring for a sick parent, relief is common ^[3]. You can feel relief and still love them.
• Guilt or regret? The psychologist Bert Hayslip says regrets and unfinished business are common even when the relationship was good ^[1].
• Afraid of your own death? A parent's death can make yours feel closer, and some people fear they will die the way their parent did ^[3].
• Angry? At doctors, at siblings, at the person who died, at yourself. One woman in the APA's article was still angry years later about how her father's last weeks went ^[1].
• Who am I now? You were someone's child, and now you are the older generation ^[3].

Several of these can arrive in one afternoon.

The first week after a parent dies

Your parent's phone lights up on the counter, and for a second you think it is them. In the first week most people are in shock and still have a few practical things to do. Common first steps:

1. Decide who tells whom. Write a short list of the people who should hear from you directly. Ask a sibling or a friend to make some of the calls.
2. Ask what is needed where you live. The funeral home or the hospital can tell you which papers are required and by when. Rules differ by country and state, so we do not list them here.
3. Choose one helper. One person who answers the phone and the messages means you do not have to tell the story again and again.
4. Leave their things where they are. Nothing needs to be sold, cleared out or given away this week. Big decisions come up in the next section.
5. Eat something and sleep when you can. A bad night is not a sign that you are failing at this.

For a plan that covers the weeks after the funeral, see how to deal with grief. None of this is legal or financial advice.

The first year: their home, their things, your family

If you have a choice, delay big life decisions until you are feeling better, says the National Institute on Aging, which names selling your home and leaving your job as examples ^[2]. A parent's house falls in the same category.

When you feel ready to go through their belongings, NIA suggests making three piles: keep, give away, and not sure ^[2]. The "not sure" pile can wait as long as it needs to. Start with one shelf or one drawer, not the house.

Siblings can be a comfort and a strain. Cruse notes that a death in the family can bring people together, and can also wake up old arguments and rivalries. Some relatives want to share feelings, and some want to be left alone ^[3]. Before anyone opens a closet, agree on who decides what, and let each person name the one thing they want most.

A Finnish study followed adults aged 35‑55 and found that purchases of antidepressants, anxiety medication and sleep medication rose in the year before and the year after a parent's death. The rise was biggest for people with no or few siblings, and for women ^[4]. The authors suggest that having several siblings may lighten the burden, and that the result for women may partly reflect who seeks treatment. If you are an only child, line up support early, such as a friend, a cousin or a grief group.

The parent who is still alive is changing too. You may start to know them as a person separate from the couple, and one day they may begin a new relationship ^[3]. Our page on the stages of grief describes the dual process model, which treats moving between grief and everyday tasks as normal. If friends keep asking what to say, send them this guide.

How long does grief for a parent last?

There is no deadline, but there are markers. The National Institute on Aging writes that for most people the intense pain will lessen, with good and bad days along the way ^[2]. If your loss is weeks old, the cutoffs below are not about you yet; they describe grief that still fills every day a year on.

Doctors use time cutoffs for one specific purpose. The American Psychiatric Association says a diagnosis of prolonged grief disorder in adults needs at least 12 months since the death ^[5]. The WHO's ICD-11 uses at least 6 months ^[6]. Clinicians use these cutoffs for diagnosis, together with specific symptoms that disrupt daily life ^[5].

A meta-analysis of 14 studies put prolonged grief disorder at 9.8% of bereaved adults after a non-violent death, about 1 in 10, and it was higher in older people. The authors call the results preliminary, because the studies differed in method ^[7]. If grief stays at full strength and keeps shrinking your days, talk with a professional.

Is it harder at some ages, or for sons and daughters?

A 2015 study described in the APA's Monitor compared 247 adults aged 18‑35 with 155 adults aged 50‑65 after a parent's death ^[1]. Two more studies looked at sex and at siblings.

These studies do not name a hardest age. They show who may need more support: younger adults, people without a partner, people with few siblings. Being older does not mean grieving less. Researcher Karen Fingerman told the APA: "That doesn't mean that you don't grieve just as much" ^[1].

When the relationship was hard

"Why am I grieving someone who hurt me?" Because the loss includes the relationship you had and the one you hoped for. Cruse notes that after a difficult or estranged relationship, you may regret what you never had, and a repair that is no longer possible ^[3].

The APA's article describes a man in his 50s who told a researcher he had always waited for his father to say he was proud of him, and knew after the death that it would never happen ^[1]. A bereavement counselor quoted there says adult children who were estranged can still wrestle with guilt, shame or remorse that the rift was never mended ^[1].

Missing the parent you wished for can be part of it too.

Writing to your parent: what research says

Three randomized studies tested writing after a death: free emotional writing, writing about a sudden death, and writing aimed at making sense of the loss. All three were small, and two used students.

The letter tool above has not been tested in any study. The idea comes from practice: psychologist Bert Hayslip suggests writing what you would say to the parent if you could, setting the letter aside, and perhaps sharing it later with a therapist or someone you trust ^[1].

Most starters point toward thanks, what you want to keep and what the loss means, closer to the directed writing in the 2010 trial. "I'm sorry" and "I'm still angry" are there because regret and anger are common. Use the ones that fit and skip the rest. Start with "Thank you for…" or "What I want to keep from you is…", or print the letter sheet and write by hand.

Anniversaries and the years after

Dates can bring the grief back at full strength, even years later. A little planning gives each day a shape.

• The day they died: decide ahead who you will be with and what the morning looks like. Cruse suggests thinking in advance about how to manage anniversaries ^[3].
• Their birthday: cook their dish, visit a place they loved, or call a sibling. A small ritual gives the day a shape.
• Holidays, Mother's Day and Father's Day: Cruse lists these as hard ^[3]. You can leave early, skip the event, or change the tradition.
• Weddings, births, graduations: they should have been there. Mention them in a toast, set out a photo, and tell someone beforehand that you may need to step outside.

Put the dates in your calendar for the coming year, with a name next to each.

Planning matters most for the hardest days. For most people a hard anniversary is painful but not dangerous. Still, a Swedish study of national records found that among women whose parent had died, suicide was more likely around the anniversary of the death than at other times; the study did not find this in men ^[12]. If any day brings thoughts of ending your life, crisis help is open around the clock.

How losing a parent changes you

Hayslip says a parent's death can lead you to redefine who you are ^[1]. Psychologist Kenneth Doka calls it "a developmental push": you now have to do things you may have counted on your parents for, such as leaning on them for financial guidance. For some people, he says, it also brings a renewed focus on what they want from life ^[1].

You may also carry some of their habits on. Umberson notes that people can take up a parent's kindness or, less happily, their drinking or harshness, and that a therapist can help you honor your parent in ways you would choose ^[1].

Frequently asked questions